Sound for Language

So I’m graduating from high school in about a week. And of course I have some things to say about it. Because I have things to say about everything. Ever.

I’m finding a lot of people are being sentimental and sad about graduating, because starting life in the ‘real world’ and leaving friends and what not. Me, I don’t know. 

On the life bit, eh. College isn’t necessarily the ‘real world’. You’re still in a protective cocoon, only this time it costs $30,000 a year and has more booze. For me, I don’t know. I feel like I’ve always been perceptive and detached enough to not be wrapped up in that cocoon too much in high school. It’s going to end and you’re going to have to readjust to whatever your life is going to be afterwards. I don’t feel sad that I’m leaving. It’s just how life goes. 

Leaving friends, that’s funny. There will be people I’m truly going to miss, but not too many. Due to my insecurities about making friends (Unfortunately I’m always afraid that people won’t like me/think I’m annoying/etc. so I just stay quiet, among other reasons), I really haven’t made any in high school, let alone throughout my school career. A year from now those faces I’ve seen everyday will just be apart of the wall paper. They were there. That’s about it. 

Now that I think about it, I really have no ties to this school. It has no meaning to me and really, as cruel as this may sound, neither do the people. All it seems to be is a never ending cycle of drama that I’ve never understood the point of. The mentality is too…juvenile I suppose. Everything is too temporary to put real significance on it. You’re not going to care if so and so flirted with your boyfriend when you’re in college, you might not even remember his name off the top of your head. You’re not going to care that so and so stabbed your back or betrayed your trust. You’re not going to care about that dick in your group of friends. It doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s the insecurities that come with being young or maybe I just never put too much significance on anything. I don’t know. I’m not sure if I honestly care either. 

I have always been apart of the wall paper. I’m well aware that I’m not going to matter to anyone after graduation, friend or otherwise. I’ve hardly mattered to anyone in the first place, so there’s not a lot to be lost. Do I think that I’m high above other people because I realize and accept this? That because I ‘dislike’ everyone that I’m better? No. Because I don’t dislike everyone. I can’t dislike people I don’t know. And unfortunately or not, I don’t know truly everyone. I will never truly know everyone that I come in contact with in my life. I will never be important or matter to really anyone. And that’s okay.

I can feel myself launching into a self loathing fest, so I’ll say some things before I can get to that. High school pretty much sucked for me. There are hardly any good things I can take from it other than an education. However, I’ve become the person I am from dealing with the bad things, whether those things were related to school or not. And I like myself more now that the shit storm is over. Now that’s something. I’ll never really be out of the forest of self hate and suicidal thoughts, that stuff never goes away. But I can say that I actually like myself. For now, anyway. 

Graduating from high school. It’s a thing people do. I’m not going to miss or will be missed by my classmates. Not going to be remembered in either direction. However, as much as this goes against the majority of what I’ve been saying, there are people who have mattered to me and who have made an impact on me. Those people I will miss and will make a conscious effort to remember, for a while at least. As for it going both ways, I’ll never really know. We’re all just wall paper to each in the end, right? Right.